Mattie Makes James Laugh and James Pokes the Camera

James Growls

And sleeps hard...

Joe sings to James

Today

A cozy baby...

A finished project...

A Lego "surprise gift" from Mattie...

And a lot of progress on another vest for James...

Will Dance for Smiles

Happy.

I love having babies.  I just love being around babies.  I love having them in the house.  I love walking by James in the bassinet and seeing him kick his little fat legs and waving his arms.  He's still so new that when I return to him from something else (like laundry, getting one of his brothers dressed, etc.) I still feel a little surprised when I see him there, doing his baby tai chi or maybe being perfectly still looking at the light.
I say to myself, "Oh!  It's you!"  I'm a little surprised, and at the same time it's like he's always been a part of this family.
Lately I've been marveling at him when he's up at night (although I expect those feelings could switch to feelings of dread as I accumulate more sleepless nights.)
This baby makes me happy and I could stare at him all day.  It's funny little things that I enjoy about him, like the color of his legs and the wrinkles in his fingers.

Happy.

I wasn't certain I was going to feel this way when I was pregnant.  When I think back to the feelings I had early on, when I realized I was pregnant AGAIN, and then when we found out we were pregnant with a boy, AGAIN, I can still understand those feelings, but I don't have them anymore (thankfully.)  I cried, sometimes privately, sometimes to friends, almost every day for the first two thirds of the pregnancy for the daughter that I would never have, for the irresponsible-ness of an unplanned pregnancy, and that made me feel like a jerk.  So on top of feeling sad, disappointed, heartbroken, I was also sad, disappointed and heartbroken for having those feelings.   
Then at the beginning of the third trimester I decided I should try harder to be okay with everything, so I started practicing feeling differently.  And by the end of the pregnancy, I was feeling nervous, but pretty much good and accepting about the whole thing.  Then, when I was in labor, something unexpected happened.  I'm not a crier in labor, I'm more of a disappear-er.  There's this moment for me when, in my mind, I hear myself say (to myself,) "I'm going now" and that's when labor gets really, really hard.  But with James' labor, right before that moment, I had a big cry.  It was a quiet, releasing, transforming kind of cry like I've never had before.  Right after he was born, I was kind of like, "What was THAT all about?" Now I realize I was just letting go of the last of those feelings of turmoil that I had stuffed.  I had stuffed them in my attempt to "practice" feeling better but they rose up and washed over me and then...  they just washed away.

Anyway, like I said, thankfully, I don't feel that way anymore.  I'm happy about this little guy.  And he smells good too.

Yum.

Dear Boys,

A recipe you should know... 

Marie's Gingersnaps:

3/4 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1/4 cup molasses
2 tsp baking soda
2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp of:  ginger, cinnamon, cloves

cream butter and sugar.  add molasses.  add egg.  add combined dry ingredients.  chill dough for an hour.  bake at 325 (NOT 350) for 9-11 min.

They go down easy.  Probably too easy.

And because I couldn't post on the blog without at least a few pics of James...

He had his two week check up and has grown an inch and gained a pound!  Big guy...

These Days...

What it's like...

Having a fourth baby...

It means that my third child spends the first half of the day in his jammies, even if we have errands to run.

 

It means that by now we're so used to this that when I sit down to nurse the baby, Chris will bring me a glass of water without us talking about it.

It means that I get to hear that Joseph told his class that he "has the most beautiful baby at home."

It means that I might just use a brown paper bag for a diaper bag and that I will probably forget to put diapers in it, but I WILL remember the sling.

It means making dinner whenever I get the chance, even if that means dinner is ready at 10:30 am.

It means that we have a level of familiarity with labor/delivery high enough for us both to know when to reach down and bring the baby up ourselves and that the midwife will write, "delivered into Dad's arms" in the chart.

It has meant letting go of Daniel being "the baby," and seeing him in a different way; more competent, more helpful and more grown up.

It means a whole lot of love and affection and hearing Matthew say, "Baby James is so cute I just want to bite my finger!!!"

And a whole lot of this...

Honeycake

James Edwards

Born  December 10th, 5:34 PM

8 pounds, 3 oz, 20 3/4 inches 

 

You look simultaneously big and tiny...